The worst film ever made: Review of
Every once in a while, you come across a film that is so vile, so hideous, and so completely worthless to human brain cells. There aren't very many of them, of course. Hell, even Steven Seagal movies, bad as they are, have cool fight scenes. Even crazier, even Uwe Boll movies have an ugly charm to them.
But this movie I'm reviewing is so across the board bad that this disclaimer should be placed before the beginning.
"This movie, upon its viewing, may cause seizures, loss of bodily control, and maybe even death. It is guaranteed to cause IQ loss and partial mental retardation".
Ax 'Em was created by Michael Mfume, the son of Kwesi Mfume(Former congressman and NAACP leader), and after seeing this dreck, I think Dad needs to have a nice long talk with Michael about embarassing the family name.
Yes, this got distribution folks.
I won't even go into the "plot" of this movie, because I think it varies somewhere between running away from a killer and reading the yellow pages. I will go into the "production values" of this movie though, as painful as it is to do right now.
The "budget", obviously written on a napkin with a crayon from Chuck E. Cheese, is probably somewhere between -$15 and $8, depending if they got a hold of a See and Say as a Nagra, and the use of a cereal box for a windscreen. Also, the use of the locations probably had to depend on who was home or not, or who was around at the time, because it's so obvious they had no money for release forms. When they did scenes on the back roads, they probably hired lookouts for cops.
The "direction" had to consist of these three terms:
"Run and scream real loud"
"Be scared"
"Oh shit, it's the cops! HIDE!"
What's even worse, Mfume adds a really cool stomp choreography right around the beginning of the movie, but since it has ZERO to do with the movie itself, and it's obvious that it was added because the "executive producer"(Probably a 98 year old neighbor with dementia) thought the movie sucked and needed something to look cool. Doesn't add to the movie, so it's pointless.
Now let's get to the script. Here are some examples of dialogue in this movie.
kasjkfgalhgklsjklgjalkjgklajl;kSHITsdlkjfkasjkfjsak;ljkl
AMN ITAKJSKDFJKASJKFSKFA
BAGJAKL;J;ALSJDKJKASDJFKSbast ardASJGKAJKLASDKJKA
That probably wasn't the original draft of the script, but after "post production", which consisted of the terms "Just get the damned thing done, who cares how it looks", it's obvious that the sound guy(Someone that owes Mfume twenty bucks from a basketball game) either fell asleep, or they used a broom handle and taped one of those Fisher Price mics and called it a boom mic. You absolutely can't hear a word anyone says, but you can hear those screams loud and clear.
Finally, let's get to the "acting". A buddy of mine just told me this is High School level acting. That's insulting high schoolers right there. This is "Man, we're wasted! I have an idea! This is the perfect time to make a movie! We could get it done in an hour!" level. I'm just seeing Mfume and his friends in Mom's basement getting wasted, and there's one camera following a bunch of guys, like "That 70s Show", only without discernible talent or personality whatsoever".
If people truly want to see this out of morbid curiosity, it's on youtube now, and in 8 parts. One disclaimer though.
I am not responsible for either mental anguish you get from watching this movie, or the mess you cause when you bust your gut from pure laughter.
But this movie I'm reviewing is so across the board bad that this disclaimer should be placed before the beginning.
"This movie, upon its viewing, may cause seizures, loss of bodily control, and maybe even death. It is guaranteed to cause IQ loss and partial mental retardation".
Ax 'Em was created by Michael Mfume, the son of Kwesi Mfume(Former congressman and NAACP leader), and after seeing this dreck, I think Dad needs to have a nice long talk with Michael about embarassing the family name.
Yes, this got distribution folks.
I won't even go into the "plot" of this movie, because I think it varies somewhere between running away from a killer and reading the yellow pages. I will go into the "production values" of this movie though, as painful as it is to do right now.
The "budget", obviously written on a napkin with a crayon from Chuck E. Cheese, is probably somewhere between -$15 and $8, depending if they got a hold of a See and Say as a Nagra, and the use of a cereal box for a windscreen. Also, the use of the locations probably had to depend on who was home or not, or who was around at the time, because it's so obvious they had no money for release forms. When they did scenes on the back roads, they probably hired lookouts for cops.
The "direction" had to consist of these three terms:
"Run and scream real loud"
"Be scared"
"Oh shit, it's the cops! HIDE!"
What's even worse, Mfume adds a really cool stomp choreography right around the beginning of the movie, but since it has ZERO to do with the movie itself, and it's obvious that it was added because the "executive producer"(Probably a 98 year old neighbor with dementia) thought the movie sucked and needed something to look cool. Doesn't add to the movie, so it's pointless.
Now let's get to the script. Here are some examples of dialogue in this movie.
kasjkfgalhgklsjklgjalkjgklajl;kSHITsdlkjfkasjkfjsak;ljkl
AMN ITAKJSKDFJKASJKFSKFABAGJAKL;J;ALSJDKJKASDJFKSbast ardASJGKAJKLASDKJKA
That probably wasn't the original draft of the script, but after "post production", which consisted of the terms "Just get the damned thing done, who cares how it looks", it's obvious that the sound guy(Someone that owes Mfume twenty bucks from a basketball game) either fell asleep, or they used a broom handle and taped one of those Fisher Price mics and called it a boom mic. You absolutely can't hear a word anyone says, but you can hear those screams loud and clear.
Finally, let's get to the "acting". A buddy of mine just told me this is High School level acting. That's insulting high schoolers right there. This is "Man, we're wasted! I have an idea! This is the perfect time to make a movie! We could get it done in an hour!" level. I'm just seeing Mfume and his friends in Mom's basement getting wasted, and there's one camera following a bunch of guys, like "That 70s Show", only without discernible talent or personality whatsoever".
If people truly want to see this out of morbid curiosity, it's on youtube now, and in 8 parts. One disclaimer though.
I am not responsible for either mental anguish you get from watching this movie, or the mess you cause when you bust your gut from pure laughter.
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